Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Gratitude and Frustration

So, it's a little after 4:30am and I still can't sleep. This is one of the worst nights ever, but I think that might only be because it is one of a string of terrible nights that started maybe two or three weeks ago. Those who know me will remember that I have rotten luck when it comes to physical health and for some reason I'm always sick with something. They'll also know that the 'some reason' is generally I stress myself out so much that my body literally breaks down. Joy.

So, most of my life I've lived with eczema (just look it up if you aren't familiar with it) and generally I have outbreaks at the beginning of summer and winter.Before now, the worst flare-up I had was on the mission when for some reason I lost the outer-layer of skin on both my hands and feet (and maybe more than one layer), had to quasi-bathe myself in almond oil, and walk around with white gloves (during summer) and socks full of prescription lotion. It was awful. I felt like some sort of creepy pedophile with a short-sleeve shirt and white gloves.  But, that lasted only a little while and I moved on. Ever since then it's only been a rash on my arms and legs, but something that is relatively normal and easy to work with.

But, recently I've had the worst flareup that I've ever had. I would take the pedophile gloves again to this because at least I'd be able to sleep (hut then again, the grass looks greener...right?). This time I have had such a reaction to stress or allergies or whatever that I'm in a constant state of distress and discomfort, and NOTHING I have can alleviate it. Lotion, steroid creams, you name it.  So, for the past couple of weeks I've laid in bed trying not to scratch and hoping that I would fall asleep sometime...well, I'm averaging 2-3 hours per night...and I'm miserable. The doctors put me on anti-biotics that I have to "try out" until next Thursday. I don't think they'll realize that I'll be dead before then. I even downloaded a pseudo-hypnotic-relaxation-sleep aid that my mom suggested....not working. This inability to sleep due to physical issues coupled with my increase in anxiety and stress has resulted in quite the painful (both mentally and physically) and stressful period for me. I even just banged my head against the wall just now jokingly hoping to be knocked out...

Through this time, I've found it quite easy to complain and be bitter towards God and life in general. However, during the last couple of days, I've found a really awesome blessing that God has given me that I've had throughout my life: my relationships with ot
her people. I always find myself in the company of some really awesome roommates who are the most helpful people imaginable for that semester or year. They seem to always fit with my struggles. Now, whether it is individual people who adapt to my situation or God's impeccable timing, I'll never know. But I truly am grateful for them.

My parents and family have always been understanding and supportive, and I wouldn't be very far without my parents' love, support, and the helpful medical advice that my dad offers. I think I've put them through a lot this past year, but they still stand by me and are there when I need them. I've also found some really awesome friends in my major who are always trying to understand, help, and always be available. It will be weird when we aren't all together next semester, but I'm grateful for the experiences we've shared and the lessons learned. Also, I've made some really awesome friends throughout the wards I've lived in. It's hard to keep in contact with so many people, but there are those special few (especially from freshman year and right after the mission) who really know how to show they care and want to be a part of my life and I appreciate that so much.

In any case, no matter how much I think have reason to complain about -insert issue here (perceived or real)- at least I know that I'll always have people there who support and care.

I love you all! :) Deuces.