Monday, April 22, 2013
(Just FYI - this was mainly for me to get some thoughts out about my anxiety that I've felt about life in general the last couple weeks. There may - or may not - be anything substantial here.)
Anxiety stinks. It's been a while since I've been so stressed and anxious that I've lost the ability to think and function, but that's happened to me a couple times this week. I remember as a kid, especially at night, I would get so wrapped up in worries and doubts and fears that it seemed the world was burying me and I couldn't breathe. However, I learned to be able to silence it, to avoid it, run away from the anxiety that threatened to suck me in.
Until recently. During this last week, the weight of all the choices, pressures, issues, stresses, etc. of my life finally mounted to the burial point and I had a couple of moments where I had to stop myself and remember what reality was and where I fit into it. I had to tell myself to stop worrying and thank goodness that my rationality was able to overcome my anxiety.
However, even if I was able to qualm the storm for an hour or two so that I could focus on a project or distract myself with a friend, the issues were always lingering in the back of my mind. My leg has been shaking nonstop for the past week: not that on-the-edge-of-a-cliff-and-terribly-nervous shake which I have every time I repel, but that I'm-just-sitting-in-class-and-I-don't-feel-comfortable-unless-I-shake-my-leg-even-if-I'm-annoying-everyone-else shake.
For example, for the last year I've been quite anxious about what I'm going to do after I graduate. Business School? Sociology doctorate program? Work? However, to fully concentrate myself on my schoolwork, I've just ignored it and put off the questions. Every so often when I have nothing to do, I remember every question, doubt, thing I need to do and my tank cracks a little bit as my worries spill out. So, I do as little as I can to solve the question (maybe talk to a teacher, research a school or two) or to repair the tank (for now). What am I left with? Thousands of haphazardly repaired cracks that do little to address the actual question. I keep doing this with all of my worries as I wait for the epic solution that will solve all my problems.
So, finally I've given myself an agenda of things to do. I don't need to address everything at once. I've picked the two most important issues that are giving me the greatest grief and I'm working on those right now. I'm going to take charge of the tank rather than letting it split at random intervals on its own. I don't want my worries to dictate where I go and what I do, but I want to control my life, and that is only going to happen if I step up and start taking control of it.
Posted by Erik Lovell at 5:14 PM