Friday, October 26, 2012


I'm finally writing a blog again! Don't get too excited. It is pretty much just going to be me making a whole lot of philosophical thinking that compares quite well to the disorganization of modern music or contemporary art. To me, it makes no sense, just like what's going through my head and heart right now. Hopefully writing it down can somewhat link it all together.

First off, I have this problem when I watch movies: I take whatever message they were trying to apply and I run with it way too literally. An awesome friend and I just went to see Pitch Perfect, which is possibly one of the funniest movies on the planet. Hilarious, actually. In the movie, just like others of this genre, the main character is having a struggle "being who she wants to be" and being open to her feelings and beliefs as well as the perceptions of others. I'm pretty sure it's applicable to almost everyone of this generation: self-discovery, and lately, I find myself more preoccupied than ever about this subject. The fact that Becca, the lead, is trying to be true to her "musical" self makes this even more real, since that would be my dream.

I've always struggled with my own desires and hopes contradicting with other expectations forced on me through society - whether from friends, family, religion or what not. It feels that almost in every aspect of my life I'm living a double standard, as if I'm a hypocrite. Music is a fundamental part of my life, yet, in the increasing demand for economic stability for the future, I've almost completely buried it away. After choosing to study the social sciences I feel judged or mocked from every side, even the people that I thought would be most supporting and telling me to "do what I love". I've heard it all: "Do you want to be poor the rest of your life?" to "You're making the worst mistake." I have to deal with religious cultures and beliefs that don't always coincide with the deepest convictions and discussions I have with myself of "Who am I?" Most people who know me can attest to my being a little "off the mark" when it comes to the perfectionist facade that a highly religious culture seems to require. It's not even a bad vs. good conflict, but one "me" vs. another "me".
Halloween Appropriate...

Unfortunately, all too often I comply with the strict expectations established by those around me. Sure, I'll go to church as a drone, I'll stay away from a potentially poor career in music, I'll wear the styles that will keep me in the norm, I'll date the people I'm supposed to like, I'll dream the dream that accompanies society's sedation of my personality. The question is --> is this "me" who I really want to become? Do I want to reject the anesthetics and attempt to create my own reality? Should I even try?

Or is this even a question? It seems I'm always expecting life to be perfect. I'm expecting Javert to let Valjean go and save Cosette and her mother. I'm ready for Harry Potter to use some magic formula to bring his parents back from the dead. I'm anticipating the sequel to the Twilight series where Edward grows out of sparkles and Bella stops taking pills that make her believe she's a vampire (if only...if only...). Consequentially, I am almost always angry when life doesn't mass produce the happy endings that I crave. I've grown resentful of the fact that I can't live my dreams, I can't perfectly reconcile who I am with my "peeps", religion, family, or whatever it may be. Sometimes I hate myself because I tend to try to be dishonest with myself. It is frustrating to have part of me reach for something unaccepted by everyone that I must cage with the expectations of others. I'm forced to be at war.

Yet, thus is life. We've progressed to this point where we can no longer escape it. Nemo's mother is really never coming back, Andy did outgrow his Woody, and, possibly most tragic of all, Lady Gaga is still making music. I don't know what to do with my life, but why complain. Sooner or later I'm going to have to pick where I stand on all of these issues. Do I choose to live according to who I think I really am, or should I aspire for a prescribed life that promises a higher way? Really, what is all happening right now is I'm stuck between two worlds that contradict each other and it is difficult to find a compromise. It seems that I need to pick one or the other. Is it fun, no? But I guess I shouldn't complain because life is that way. What can I do about it? It may take me years to sort my life out and make the decision or I might make it tomorrow. I might even change it a day later (we all know how consistent I can be...).

So, here's to roughing it together through sorrows and working with one another to get over our troubles. It's time to wake up and realize that we just have to suffer through it. You never see Liam Neeson freaking out. The Albanians take his family and he blows them to smitherings. Sure, it sucks, but he deals with it. Gotta do the same. It may not even come out with a happy ending, but maybe it's time to stop pretending that life should be perfect.